No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
