im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
