can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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