and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
