So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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