sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
