I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i've created a new STD.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
