Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
