We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
