If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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