He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
