Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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