hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
