hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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