I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
