Betty ford says i'm here all night
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
