I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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