Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
