Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
