By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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