Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
