Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
