We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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