Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
