The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This can only be settled by a dance off.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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