so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
