singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
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