I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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