There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
