I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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