i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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