He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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