It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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