Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
True college students do jello shots in the library
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
