she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Your cock deserves a montage
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
