I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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