you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
