There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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