Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
