i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
