whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
