I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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