I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Welp...herpes.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
