I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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