mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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