it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
