Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
