plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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