My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
