i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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