so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
