at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
