Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
